Hello there friends and fam –
Boy, it has been a while to say the (very) least!
I don’t even know what to say, so I guess I’ll just start at the beginning. That’s usually a good place to start.
Unlike other wordy stories, I decided not to break this one up in sections. I want this to flow as awkwardly as it’s meant to be. Fuck perfection, this one is gonna be unedited af.
To address the elephant in the room – I have been noticeably absent from posting any photos on my Instagram feed in over a month. The last photo I shared was on March 7th and it wasn’t even a photo of myself, but rather an aesthetic quote.
I know most don’t care about my sudden social media silence, however, this is for those who do. And to those who do care and might actually take the time to read this – thank you. I am going to try my best to make this as straightforward as I can. It’s a little difficult to explain because I can hardly piece the story together as I’m living it.
. . . . . . .
The truth is, I was unhappy with myself.
I woke up each and every day feeling ostracized. This probably sounds crazy because I have friends. In fact, I currently have the best friends that I’ve EVER had in my entire life. However, I was petrified of not knowing whether the people who I became hopelessly emotionally attached to would one day get sick of me and abandon me and then I’ll be left completely alone.
Not to sound so emo – but, for some unknown reason, I recently became struck with an overwhelming paranoia that made me believe people no longer wanted me in their lives. Over the last several weeks, I found myself second-guessing every single friendship I’ve built over the past couple of years and over-analyzing each and every situation down to the last detail till I practically drove myself to tears thinking that one day my best friends wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
Now, I know what you’re thinking – what the fuck does Perla’s hyper-active imagination and obsessive insecurities have to do with posting photos on Instagram?
Well, to be quite honest, everything. The only reason why anyone does anything on social media is to get attention. I genuinely don’t believe that people who are actively engaged on social media “don’t care” about receiving likes, comments, followers, and overall validation about whatever they post.
Let’s be real.
Now, given what I just shared with you about my unhealthy mental state, I think it’s more than obvious that I was not feeling myself and much less felt like acting like a public figure. I just could not bring myself to share anything.
I put an embarrassing amount of thought and work into the photos I post on Instagram. I am the first to admit that my pictures aren’t spontaneous, candid moments in time – the photos that encompass YourGirlChase are curated af with a ton of planning and behind-the-scenes effort between me and my helpful friends (btw, big thank you to all of you kind souls). I spend so much time and manpower into making something I’m proud of, but my newly compulsive insecurities made me believe that no one was going to accept, acknowledge, or “Like” my content.
Does that make sense?
Do I sound stupid?
Am I the downfall of society?
Maybe. But that’s the honest truth. At least, it’s my honest truth.
I stopped sharing the most perfectly aesthetic part of my life because my mind felt like it had been repeatedly hit by a hurricane of negative, self-deprecating, paranoid, anxiety-driven, and corrupt thoughts.
Ok – so before you totally explode with confusion – I want to address the question behind why I stopped posting photos on my feed BUT kept up with posting Instagram Stories. The answer is very simple and a lot less worth mentioning, but I will explain anyway!
To me, Instagram Stories are such a throwaway feature of Instagram that I barely put any thought into most of them. YES, I do take the time to slightly edit the content I use for my stories, however, if you actually saw the amount of importance I put into my pictures in comparison to my stories – they’re not even on the same level. My Instagram Stories are simply a casual way of sharing the most exciting, frustrating, comical, inspiring, imperfect, etc. parts of my day without being so fucking curated. Plus, I didn’t want those special people who may follow me on IG, but don’t know me in real life to think that I was murdered.
Well . . . I hope that explanation helps you guys understand what’s been going through my head for a while. Like I said, I am not certain where these unhappy thoughts came from. They have become a little less overwhelming as time has passed, but I’d be lying if I said that they don’t unexpectedly creep up every now and again.
And to my very best friends (you know who you are), I just want to say I’m so, so, so sorry if I’ve been acting strangely or particularly clingy lately. I think I’m so scared of being left behind that I rather look desperate and anxiously overexert myself before people have a chance to even forget about me. Sad life.
As far as what happens now – I am coming back! I promise. I didn’t start YourGirlChase just to have it fade away. YourGirlChase is one of the most personal things I’ve ever created and I’m genuinely proud of the work I do. The content and vibe might develop from what it was when I first started my journey, but just know that it’ll never totally come to an end. I didn’t get my mothafuckin YGC logo/rose crescent moon tattooed on my chest for no reason!
Ok, I guess that is all I have to share. That is the story behind my sudden Instagram hiatus. I hope I was able to answer all questions and concerns. If not, then you know what to do – please proceed to slide into those Instagram DMs or email me or leave a comment. I try my best to respond to everything!
I will see you all very, very, very soon on the good old ‘gram. Till next time fam 🙂